MISSING THOUGHTS

                  In the quietness of my thoughts

                  I reached out

                  and found nothing.

                  Patient tears flowed upon an endless crevice

                  burning the current's path into a deeper emotion-

                  Visions of material success, possessions and fame

                  built empty dreams upon weak ideals.

                  In a self-created world, my self-created world, I was surrounded

                  by frustration, denial and an image of who I'd become.

                  Recollection of parties,

                  of school

                  of life

                  of awards

                  of moments that were drawn up to reflect "living" and

                  "achievement"

                  -drawn by a girl who thought she was the artist-

                  Are nothing more than pieces that remain dead to the conscience

                  of my heart. Memories of times when I thought I should be happy

                  I stood shuddering in shameful loneliness

                  letting the bitter wind of reality consume me

                  and yet I don't know why. . .

                  Feelings I see in my patchwork of faded existence seem to reveal

                  that

                  Something was missing,

                  Is still missing

                  Was always missing.

                  I quiet myself further and try and find out why the tears

                  burn with shame and the Noor has disappeared from my face.

                  Perhaps it was never there

                  Perhaps I never let it into my heart

                  Perhaps I thought I was strong enough on my own.

                  "Oh Allah (swt) please forgive me,

                  I need You, I need Your guidance, Your forgiveness,

                  Your mercy. I am nothing when I fail to remember You,

                  I am nothing without You

                  . . . I am nothing at all"