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What Every Teenager Needs to Know
(About Sexuality)
By Alia Amer
Everywhere in this society, sex, and
sexuality are openly displayed for all to
see. In this climate of free sex and loose
moral standards, it becomes imperative for
Muslim parents to be proactive in the sexual
education of their children. Now, although
for many of us, the thought of telling our
children the whys, hows, and wheres of the
proper sexual behavior between a man and
woman, might make us cringe, when we think of
the alternative, we'll see that we have no
choice. Sexual education is a phrase that is
taboo for many Muslims. Part of the reason
for this misunderstanding, is that people who
encourage fornication and sexual deviations,
are often the ones who teach sexual education
in this society. How can a Muslim parent then
not worry when schools and mass media portray
fornication as sexual freedom, and
homosexuality as an acceptable 'sexual
orientation'? But does this mean that Muslim
parents and educators should choose that
their children have no sexual education at
all? The answer is no! Children will always
receive some kind of sexual education, and
even if you isolate them, they will still get
it from other children! The correct attitude
should be to give our children the right
sexual education, one that is derived from
the Qur'an and the Sunnah. It is therefore
the obligation of every parent to be prepared
to carry out this task, and to be able to do
so in the best manner. This article will,
inshaAllah, present some guidance that may
make the chore less stressful for all parties
involved
The Different Stages of Sexual Education
As a child goes through different
developmental stages, his sexual education
should too be planned in stages, and each
lesson should be appropriate to the age of
the child. Although children's maturity vary
greatly at any given age, there are four main
stages that most children go through:
7-10 Years: the Age of Discernment
At this age, the child should know the
etiquette of entering the parents' room, and
the rules concerning looking at others.
10-14 Years: Adolescensce
At this age, the child should learn how to
avoid sexual arousal, and should be protected
from it.
14-16 Years: Puberty
When the child should know the etiquette of
sexual intercourse, if he or she is ready to
get married in the near future.
16 and Above: Young Adults
The unmarried young men and women should
learn sexual abstinence, and the dangers of
adultery and fornication (zina).
THE AGE OF DISCERNMENT
In most homes, young children move about
quite freely, and often take for granted that
they can enter wherever they want. However,
there are limitations for older children, who
at certain times should ask their parents'
permission before entering their bedroom.
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "O you who
believe! Let your slaves and the children
among you who have not come to the age of
puberty ask your permission (before they come
to your presence), on three occasions: before
morning prayer (salatul Fajr), and when you
put off your clothes for the
noon
rest, and after the late-night prayer (salatul
Isha). These three times are of privacy for
you, outside these times, there is no sin on
you or on them to move about, attending to
each other. Thus Allah makes clear the Signs
to you. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise."
[24:58]
It is then preferable that when the child is
old enough to discern between right and
wrong, and easily understands and follows
directions (usually around age seven), that
he should ask permission before entering.
This is especially emphasized at the times
when the parents are usually undressed, i.e.,
from the time after Isha prayer to the Fajr
prayer, and during an afternoon nap. There is
no doubt that this teaches the children to be
decent, and aids to protect them from
unintentionally stumbling upon scenes that
may prove shocking to them. When the child
reaches puberty, he should be taught to ask
permission before entering at all times, as
Allah says, "And when the children among you
come to puberty, then let them also ask for
permission, as those senior to them (in age).
Thus Allah makes clear His Signs for you. And
Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise." [24:59] By
teaching and reinforcing these lessons over
time, decency and modesty can gradually be
integrated into the child's character.
MEETING THE OTHER SEX
The Etiquette's of Lowering The Gaze
One of the hardest lessons for us raised in
the West to unlearn, is this notion of eye
contact. Although most of us were taught from
childhood that it is impolite to stare, we
were also taught to look at someone when they
were speaking to us, there was no such thing
as lowering the gaze. The evidence of this is
seen everyday, as men and women openly ogle
and drool all over each other in the streets.
This is why it is so pressing for us to make
sure that Muslim children become aware of
what is lawful for him or her to look at and
what is not. This is more pressing in the
case of children who live here in a
non-Muslim society, where they are constantly
exposed to indecent scenes of both men and
women, in the streets, on television, in
magazines, on billboards, etc. Indeed the eye
is the window to the soul, and a lustful look
can lead to feelings of desire, which can
lead to thoughts of fornication.
This is why looking at the opposite sex is
regulated by the Islamic Shari'ah, where the
rules depend on whether they are mahram
(plural maharim) or not. This refers to women
with whom a man has a specified degree of
relationship that precludes marriage.
ETIQUETTES OF LOOKING
Men Looking at Mahram Women
A man is allowed to look at women who are his
mahram, but only at what is usually exposed
of their bodies for the necessity of working
inside the house, such as the head, the
hands, the feet, and the neck. For Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "And say to the
believing women that they should lower their
gaze and guard their private parts, that they
should not display their beauty and ornaments
except what ordinarily appear thereof. That
they should draw their veils over their
bosoms and not display their beauty except to
their husbands, their fathers, their
husbands' fathers, their sons, their
husbands' sons, their brothers, or their
brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons."
[24:31] However, one should not look at what
is usually covered such as the knees, the
breasts, the armpits, etc. This means that
the woman should be decently clothed while in
the presence of her mahram relatives.
Men looking at Non-mahram women
It is forbidden for a man to look at women
who are strangers to him (i.e., who are
outside the mahram relationship). He should
lower his gaze as Allah orders him, "Tell the
believing men to lower their gaze, and
protect their private parts. This is purer
for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what
they do." [24:30]
Adolescent boys (and even younger ones) that
can distinguish between a beautiful woman and
a less beautiful one, and can appreciate
women's physical attributes, should be taught
to lower their gaze. This protects them from
getting their sexual desires aroused. It is
sad to hear people saying that there is no
harm in an innocent look, especially in the
case of teenagers, with the idea that this
may somewhat extinguish their sexual desire.
On the contrary, a lustful look may lead to a
greater sin, as the Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "It is written on the
son of Adam his lot of zina
(fornication/adultery), that will inevitably
afflict him. The zina of the eyes is looking,
the zina of the ears is hearing, the zina of
the tongue is talking, the zina of the hand
is assaulting, and the zina of the foot is
walking; the heart desires and wishes, and
the genitals affirm or deny." (Bukhari and
Muslim)
In fact, lowering the gaze is a good deed for
which a Muslim is rewarded. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "No Muslim
whose eyesight falls inadvertently on the
beauties of a woman and then he lowers his
gaze, but Allah will credit for him a worship
he will appreciate its sweetness in his
heart." (Ahmad, at-Tabarani) While the first
inadvertent look causes no sin on him, the
young man should be taught not to follow it
by another, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe
wa sallam, said to Ali Ibn Abi Talib, "O Ali!
Do not let the second look follow the first.
The first look is allowed to you but not the
second." (Tirmithi, Ahmad and Abu Dawud)
Men looking at other men and women looking at
other women
Today, both men and women walk about
practically in a state of undress, therefore
it is more important now more than ever, for
Muslim children to be taught to lower their
gaze and this applies to both men and women.
A man is not allowed to look at another man's
awrah, i.e. the area between his navel and
his knees (these two parts included), as the
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"A man should not look at the awrah of
another man nor a woman of a woman, nor
should a man go under one cloth with another
man, nor a woman with another woman."
(Muslim) He also said to a man he saw
uncovering his thigh, "Cover your thigh, for
the thigh is awrah." (al-Hakim)
It is clear from this that a man should
always cover himself from the navel to the
knees in the presence of others, and should
not uncover his awrah while swimming or
playing sports games, or while taking showers
in the presence of others. It is highly
recommended to teach boys to cover themselves
down to the knees at a young age (around
seven) so that they grow up with this habit.
This rule applies equally to Muslim women
looking at other women, whether these are
Muslims or disbelievers. Many of us however,
feel no shame at sitting and browsing through
a Victoria's Secret Catalogue, or through the
pages of a swimsuit or fitness magazine,
where the women are practically naked, doing
so either out of indifference or ignorance.
It is regrettable to see a Muslim woman
allowing herself to look at non-believing
women who are barely clothed, believing that
this is allowed. Girls should be taught to
lower their gaze when they see such scenes,
and should learn to cover their awrah at all
times, when they are in presence of other
women, Muslim or otherwise. The awrah of the
woman with respect to other Muslim women is
the same as the awrah of the man, i. e., from
the knees to the navel.
Men looking at teenage boys
While in general, men are allowed to look
during usual activities at teenage boys whose
beards have not yet grown in, they are
forbidden to look at them if there is a fear
of temptation, especially in the case of
handsome boys. Looking then becomes unlawful,
because this may lead to sexual desire and
sexual deviation.
Women Looking at Men
A woman is allowed to look at men while they
are walking on the street, for the purpose of
buying in the market, or other lawful
activities, provided that they are properly
clothed, with their awrah completely covered.
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
allowed Aisha to look at the Abyssinians
playing with their spears in the courtyard of
his masjid, while she was hiding behind him.
Women are not allowed to look closely at a
man, however, or to have a lustful or
provocative look, or to look deliberately at
them when they happen to be in the same
setting (such as on a bus, or in a room).
The reason for this rule being somewhat more
relaxed for women is that usually they are
not the ones who initiate a relationship, due
to their nature, and that men are usually
more daring.
Looking at a Small Child's Awrah
There is a consensus among the scholars that
children who are four years old or younger
have no awrah, meaning that there is no harm
in looking at their naked bodies. The awrah
of children over four years is the genitals
and the buttocks. When the child's
consciousness of sex has developed, or when
evidence of sexual urge is noticed in
him/her, the awrah limit becomes the same as
that of adults and should be treated as such.
However it is better to accustom the child to
being always properly clothed.
All the rules of prohibition of looking
become void in cases of necessity such as in
administering first aid or medical treatment
or during a trial testimony as the judge
requests. Other exceptions are looking at
one's spouse, and a man looking at a woman
for the prospect of marrying her. These two
exceptions will be discussed later.
A child who is raised in the context of these
divine rules of lowering the gaze will no
doubt acquire a distinguished Islamic
personality, and a noble social character.
Indeed, there is no better way to teach the
child these manners, than for us the parents
to lead the way and set the proper example
for them to follow.
WHO IS CONSIDERED MAHRAM?
Any woman, with whom a man has a relationship
(of blood or foster) that precludes marriage,
is considered a mahram to him. Mahram women
include his mother, grandmother, daughter,
granddaughter, sister, aunt, grandaunt,
niece, grandniece, his father's wife, his
wife's daughter, his mother-in-law, his
foster mother (the one who breastfed him),
foster sisters, and any foster relatives that
are similar to the above mentioned blood
relatives. For the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe
wa sallam, said, "What is forbidden by reason
of kinship is forbidden by reason of
suckling." (Bukhari)
These are considered maharim because Allah
mentions them in the Holy Qur'an, "And marry
not women whom your fathers married, except
what has already passed; indeed it was
shameful and most hateful, and an evil way.
Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: your
mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your
brother's daughters, your sister's daughters,
your foster mother who breastfed you, your
foster milk suckling sisters, your wives'
mothers, your stepdaughters under your
guardianship, born of your wives to whom you
have gone in -but there is no sin on you if
you have not done so (to marry their
daughters), the wives of your sons who spring
from your loins, and two sisters in wedlock
at the same time, except for what has already
passed; verily Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most
Merciful." [4:22-23] All the man's female
relatives mentioned in these two verses are
considered his maharim, because it is
unlawful (haram) for him to marry them,
except the wife's sister mentioned last, who
is not a mahram because he can marry her if
he divorces his wife, or if she dies.
Reciprocally, if a woman is a mahram to a
man, such her brother, her father, her uncle,
etc. then he is a mahram to her. One of the
hardest things for my family to adjust to is
the fact that I can't be alone or get
undressed in front of some of my male
relatives. To them, it's just Patrick or Mike
or Kari, what's the harm? They do not
understand that some relatives are not
considered maharim who fall under the
category of strangers, and are, therefore,
legal for marriage under the Islamic Shari'ah.
Remember: Two habits that are commonly
practiced in some Muslim communities and
societies, which are unlawful, and Muslims
should be warned against are:
Privacy with non-Mahram
Satan is always eager to tempt people and to
make them fall into what is unlawful, and for
this reason Allah subhanahu warns us saying,
"O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps
of Satan. And whosoever follows the footsteps
of Satan, then verily he commands what is
indecent and wrong." [24:21] One of the
Satan's means to tempt people into sin, is
privacy with non-mahram women, for this
reason the Shar'iah has prohibited it. The
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"A man does not meet privately with a woman
without the Satan being the third (present)."
(Tirmithi) Ibn Umar narrated that the
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, also
said, "From now on a man must not drop in on
a non-mahram woman unless accompanied by one
or two men." (Muslim) Therefore, a man is not
allowed to be alone with a stranger-woman in
a house or a room, or in a car, even if that
woman is his sister-in-law or his maid, or
his patient [in the case of a physician] etc.
Many people are very lax concerning this
rule, thinking they have confidence in
controlling themselves or confidence in the
other party, but this leads to fornication or
to its preambles, and causes the increase of
illegitimate children.
Shaking the hands of non-mahram
The traditions of certain societies have
prevailed over Allah's Shari'ah concerning
this matter. Their wrong habits have overcome
the rule of religion so much so that when one
presents the rule of the Shari'ah to them, he
is accused of being backward. Shaking the
hand of one's female cousins, or one's
uncles' wives has become as easy as falling
off a log in our societies, but if people
considered seriously the dangers of this
matter in the Shari'ah, they would not do it.
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "It is better for one of you to be
pierced by an iron needle in the head than to
touch the hand of a woman that is not allowed
to him." (Tabarani) This sin is considered a
fornication of the hand, as the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "The eyes
fornicate, and the hands fornicate, and the
feet fornicate, and the intimate parts
fornicate." (Ahmad) Is there a person purer
than Muhammad, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam?
And in spite of that he said, "I do not shake
women's hands." (Ahmad) He also said, "I do
not touch women's hands." (Tabarani) Aisha,
radhiallahu anha, said, "No by Allah, the
Prophet's hand never touched a woman's hand,
he used to accept their pledge of allegiance
by [hearing their] words only." (Muslim) Men
who threaten to divorce their pious wives if
they refuse to shake their brothers' hands
should fear Allah. It should also be known
that wearing a glove or wrapping the hand
with a cloth while shaking hands is not
allowed either.
ADOLESCENCE
It is widely recognized that adolescence is
the most dangerous and tumultuous period in
the life of an individual. If the child
passes this period safely, it is hoped that
he will have a happy and successful life
later. For this reason, Islam prescribes on
every parent whose child approaches
adolescence to guard him against anything
that might arouse his sexual desire, and this
should begin when the child is around ten.
SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN INSIDE THE HOME
The parents should supervise their children
by making sure that they behave in an Islamic
way and are aware of the Islamic rules that
protect them from sexual arousal. These rules
are summarized as follows:
When the boy is ten years or older, he should
not enter a place where women are gathered,
especially if they are wearing their
beautiful attires and have adorned themselves
with makeup and jewelry. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam said, "Beware of
entering [places] where women are!" (Bukhari
and Muslim)
Children ten years and older should not share
the same bed even if they are of the same
sex, as the Prophet advised, saying, "Enjoin
your children to perform salah when they are
seven, and spank them for it when they are
ten, and let them sleep in separate beds."
(al-Hakim and Abu Dawud)
Adolescent boys and girls should at this age
be familiar with the etiquette of looking at
the opposite sex, and apply its rules.
The child must be supervised as to what he
watches on television. Better yet, television
should be avoided altogether. Nobody in his
right mind can deny the overwhelming presence
of sex in all television programs, including
cartoons, news and documentaries. Bringing a
television set into one's house is like
bringing a fox into the chicken coop. There
is no excuse for the Muslim parent to let his
child watch such debasing programs, which the
disbelievers themselves criticize.' The child
who knows that the Shariah enjoins him to
lower his gaze will realize that it is almost
impossible to watch television and at the
same time observe that divine order of
lowering one's gaze, and that watching
television will undoubtedly arouse his desire
to commit sins.
The child should be supervised concerning the
materials he reads, such as books and
magazines. Moreover the books the child gets
from, or that are assigned to him by
non-Islamic schools should be closely
monitored. Parents should not hesitate to
enter the child's room - after asking
permission - in order to make sure that he
does not turn it into a hiding place for
forbidden materials.
Finally, by the age of ten, the child should
not be allowed to befriend anyone from the
opposite sex, whether a relative or a
neighbor, not even for studying or competing.
It is a dangerous slip that might lead the
child to fornication.
SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN OUTSIDE OF THE HOME
Muslim children leaving home are like
soldiers going to the battlefield, they
should be armed to ward off the dangers
awaiting them outside. Although too numerous
to cite, here are a few:
The dangers of the cinema and theater, which
base their products almost entirely on sex,
for their belief is that 'sex sells'.
The danger of women's clothing where the
woman's dress is ever shrinking in length.
The dangers of the brothels, and prostitutes
are obvious. Needless to say that these are
diseases that have become a fixture in almost
all societies, and hence the child should at
any price be protected from them.
The dangers of indecent pictures intended to
sharpen the sexual appetite, and which are
exposed everywhere in the streets.
The dangers of befriending other children who
might have a bad influence on the child. The
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, warned
against befriending bad people, saying, "A
man is of the same faith as his bosom friend,
so make sure whom you take as a bosom
friend." (Ibn Hibban)
The dangers of intermingling the two sexes.
It may appear that the mixing of young boys
and girls in school presents no harm, but in
fact the child becomes so accustomed to being
mixed with the opposite sex that later the
idea of segregating himself from the opposite
sex becomes strange to him.
COMMUNICATION IS THE BEST STRATEGY
In the face of all these dangers, supervision
outside the house becomes impossible, and in
fact may not even be a good strategy,
considering the more mature personality of
the child at this age. A more positive
attitude is to help him regulate his own
sexual desire, and correct himself. Some of
the ways in which this can be done include:
Educating and enlightening the child about
the dangers outside the home. The child
should realize that these diseases of the
society are not part of his Islamic heritage.
Some of them are the result of foreign
ideologies and philosophies, ranging from the
Freudian theories which base everything on
sex; to the Marxist and Communist theories
which deny the existence of the Creator and
make man his own god; to the Hippies and the
sexual revolution, etc. The child should be
educated about his own Islamic heritage and
should know that Islam preaches decency and
chastity, and that what the child sees in the
streets is the result of the deviation from
the true religion, Islam.
Parents should constantly caution the child
about the dangerous consequences of
fornication. No sinful act has greater
repercussion on the person's life, and the
society as a whole, than the act of
fornication. Parents should explicitly
caution their child about these dangers as
soon as they sense that he or she is mature
enough to understand them. Some of these
harmful consequences include:
1-Repercussion on the child's health: Many
children and young men are unaware that
sexual promiscuity leads to many sexually
transmitted diseases. One such disease is
AIDS, a deadly disease that has become the
plague of sexually promiscuous societies. One
single sexual act may ruin the child's health
forever. This danger alone is an incentive
strong enough to caution the child against
the sin of fornication and any path that
leads to it.
2-Repercussion on the society: Any society in
which sexual rules are relaxed suffers from
many illnesses such as a high number of unwed
mothers, children born out of wedlock, a high
number of rapists, and finally the gradual
destruction of the nuclear family.
3-Repercussion on the economy: No doubt that
the wave of fatherless children resulting
from the plague of fornication, constitutes
an economic burden on the society. On the
other hand, a man who commits such acts
acquires a sense of irresponsibility, which
will no doubt reflect on his work, and on the
society as a whole.
4-Repercussion on the Hereafter: It is very
important that the child should fear Allah's
Punishment if he commits this abominable sin.
Allah says, "And those who invoke not with
Allah any other god, nor kill such life as
Allah has forbidden, except for just cause,
nor commit illegal sexual intercourse; and
whoever does this shall receive the
punishment. The torment will be doubled to
him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will
abide therein in disgrace." [25:68-69]
Connecting the child to his religious roots.
Parents should teach their children Islamic
culture and history. The child should also
know the norms within a Muslim community and
the way social activities (gatherings,
sports, hobbies, etc.) are per formed
according to the Islamic Shari'ah. Parents
should encourage -even insist- that the child
chooses his friends from the company of
well-behaved Muslim children.
SAFE PASSAGE
Puberty is the most turbulent and confusing
period in a person's life both physically and
emotionally. Things begin to happen to your
body that you don't understand and you begin
to experience feelings and emotions that were
before this, alien to you. All of this can
cause drastic mood swings, and behavioral
changes in children that parents must be
aware of. It is also a time, when the lines
of communication between parent and child
need to be wide open. As parents we need to
listen, be empathetic to their situation and
explain what all these changes mean in
regards to their lives and their religion.
When a child reaches puberty, he becomes
fully accountable for his deeds in the Sight
of Allah.
The parents of the adolescent boy should
inform him that the first time he ejaculates,
he becomes accountable for his actions in
front of Allah, and he should perform the
acts of worship in the same way that adult
Muslims do.
When a girl is about nine years old, her
parents should inform her that the first time
she sees blood (menstruation), she becomes
accountable for her acts and that the acts of
worship prescribed for Muslim women are also
prescribed for her.
When the child reaches puberty, there are
certain rules that the parents should explain
to him or her, which include:
If the child has a sexual dream, he does not
have to take a bath (ghusl) unless he sees or
feels wetness on his clothes or bed sheets
due to sperm ejaculation. In the case of a
girl, vaginal discharge, the type of viscous
discharge that commonly occurs after a woman
has had an orgasm, should be noticed before
it is necessary to take a bath. Such was the
answer of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, to Khawlah Bint Hakeem, who asked him
if a woman should make ghusl when she has a
sexual dream. He said, "No ghusl on her
unless she has a discharge, similarly there
is no ghusl on the man unless he ejaculates."
(Ahmad and Nasa'i)
When the child wakes up and sees or feels
wetness due to sexual discharge, he/she
should perform ghusl even if he/she did not
remember having any dream.
When the boy ejaculates due to sexual
arousal, whether voluntary or involuntary, he
should perform ghusl. The same rule applies
to the girl if she had an orgasm or vaginal
discharge.
Young men and young women who are about to
get married should know that during sexual
intercourse, as soon as penetration occurs
they both should perform ghusl whether there
was discharge or not. The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "When he sits between
her arms and legs, and the two organs touch,
and his organ disappears (in hers), there
should be ghusl, whether he ejaculated or
not." (Muslim)
When the girl does not see anymore blood at
the end of her menses, she should perform
ghusl. The married woman should know that
after childbirth she should make ghusl as
soon as the bleeding stops. The next step is
obviously to teach the child how to perform
ghusl and the Sunan acts of ghusl. He or she
should know the acts that are unlawful to him
or her while in a state of sexual impurity.
These include:
During menstruation, or after birth bleeding,
a woman is forbidden to pray, fast, hold the
Qur'an, enter a mosque unless passing through
it, make tawaf (i.e., circumambulate the
Ka'bah), or have sexual intercourse. For
Allah says, "They ask you about menstruation,
say: it is a harmful thing, therefore keep
away from women during menses and go not unto
them until they are clean." [2:222]
Men and women who are in a state of sexual
impurity (janabah) are prohibited from
reading the Qur'an or touching it before
making ghusl. For the Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "The menstruating
woman and the one in a state of sexual
impurity must not read anything from the
Qur'an." (Tirmidhi). They are also forbidden
to pray, enter the mosque, or make tawaf.
The child should learn to inspect his clothes
and keep them clean from sperm (or vaginal
discharge), or in fact, any liquid discharge
from the sexual organs. |