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Choosing A Wife....
As'Salaam'Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful,
the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our
beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and
companions.
When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims
become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage,
trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a
financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that
Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet
unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and
customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern
for a man rather than a delightful experience.
When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society,
the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a
result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome.
He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown
at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the
wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on,when he said: "O young
men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for
it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and
preserves one from immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question
to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her
qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and
peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As
Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that
His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So
note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that
of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.
WHO TO MARRY Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be
seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for
four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her
religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be
blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a
companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything
other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall
into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet
beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her
obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and
so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a
household, and it may be that through your intention of
marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world
is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is
the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable
as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by
Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things
he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following
ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do
not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a
painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the
fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their
backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them):
'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you
used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been
quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached
the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily
on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the
best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes
pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care
of herself and her husbands property when he is away.
Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing
to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in
remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah,
and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how
valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man
live unhappily with such a person.
QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN Alright, you say, you've convinced
me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is
simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved
by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous
accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The
following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you
should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative
qualities. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of
the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and
appreciative qualities. "And women of purity are for men of
purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]
"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard
in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them
guard"[s.4;v.34]
"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him
in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who
believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who
worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and
fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities
loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in
both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the
following attributes:
-a Muslim woman
-a Muslim woman
-a believing woman
-a devout woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise. Among the four
known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because
of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord:
prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow
down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah
sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of
Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness
to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious
qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab)
was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes
of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman
more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more
God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood,
more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in
practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus
more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."
Ah, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if
that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first
place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the
women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction.
Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a
dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah
brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19].
Remember also that you are not perfect either.
KNOWING WHO SHE IS To find that pious woman, there are two
steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal
observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women
that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty;
that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and
also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw
attention to their hidden ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice
a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her
actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who
attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external
beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has
some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman
unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes,
and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure
when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to
you, not to twenty other "just good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her
nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how
she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her
time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her
weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most
important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a
private investigator to track her Yet, after all this, we still
have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you
want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements,
read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic),
yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions,
no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or
whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.
TRUST IN ALLAH We are choosing our wife for her permanent
values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity,
character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a
marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no
knowledge.
Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do
so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and
proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize
His infinite knowledge and wisdom. illustrating how we rely
upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him,
establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and
wisdom. Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my
estimation nothing cements that house together as well as
putting our trust in Allah. It is related on the authority of
Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his
companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an
istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which
affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused
about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two
rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of
istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of
its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of
life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we
turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it?
Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for
guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order
to please Him.
Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims
will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a
dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite color
is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of
this salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically,
you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about everything
carefully and then make a decision ) . Also, you may notice
events have changed, either for or against you - so you
re-evaluate your situation again - and perhaps your decision
might change. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may
be blessed with a dream.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage.
She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing
her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do
anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the
Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah
approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal
to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman
can have, yet she was just recognizing that it is Allah who
knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of
appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al
Qur'an.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream
for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk
cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the
cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this
is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a serious
step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes
half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman
married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim
household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion,
the rarer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly
wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her
status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her
status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but
the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a
wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded
us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call
upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is
devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our
Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes
and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74]. I cannot
provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your
trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and
His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah,
for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].
May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His
commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us
with wives whom He loves.
"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to
them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he
calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and
believe in Me: that they may walk in the right
way"[al-Baqarah,v.186]
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