The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about
the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will
bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both
spouses realize that marriage is not easy task, but one that
takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are
tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a
little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that
are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
Enter the Marriage with the Right
Intention and Renew this Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure
intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to
receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then
becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will
be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be
the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and
happiness throughout the marital life.
It is also important to realize that when an act of worship
is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary
to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path
and to obtain the most benefit.
Remember that Your Spouse is also Your
Brother or Sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with
kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different
manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should
always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or
sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to
the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also
form the basis of the marital relationship.
Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should
be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood
(sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about
their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This
rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to
unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect
beings, which means that many mistakes will be made
throughout a lifetime.
By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be
pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more
than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to
contentment within the marriage.
Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities,
emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a
spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should
be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these
qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt
should be made to overlook or ignore negative
characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a
believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her,
but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your
spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams,
failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's
likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any
way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can
be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be
the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout
life.
Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk
together. Spouses should also find time to focus on
strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with
their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of
the most important elements in life. Quality time may be
anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going
for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or
project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option
chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some
people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to
be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and
negative. The lines of communication should always be open
and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the
other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale
of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into
a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly.
The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for
anything.
Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we
should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person
is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request
pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her
aspects that are in need of change. When a person is
unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and
development in the marriage.
Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of
past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to
dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so
that they are not repeated, but this should not be done
excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position
to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a
harmful manner.
Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers,
preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself
(this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a
lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The
idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a
dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing
arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is
a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it
in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey
smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your
spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to
spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and
Disagreements:
Begin with the intention to resolve the
issue.
If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult
together, it is more likely that there will be a successful
resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel.
If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no
argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the
talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the
same time.
If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other
tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house
is on fire.
Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling
should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument
unsettled.
This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage
and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt
feelings and thoughts to linger and generally
exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your
mate.
Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason
that discussions tend to become heated. |