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By: Mona Abdussalam
Have you cleaned the house? Is dinner ready? Have you fed the
kids? Did you wash my clothes? These are some of the questions
that women hear, day in and day out, from husbands who assert
that wives are nothing more than servants and baby machines.
But a wife is neither.
Nevertheless, amidst busy schedules on the parts of both women
and men, some husbands forget the real reasons behind marriage
and likewise the rights of their wives. Subsequently, they
deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the
happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful
family. This unbalanced vision towards a couples ideal
relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a
situation laden with troubles and worries.
Even among religious families, you will find some husbands who
still do not have a proper understanding of rights of their
wives, nor a clear vision of the intended relationship between
a married couple.
It is both painful and distressing to see a Muslim husband
practicing Allahs orders on the one hand, but forgetting to
follow His guidance regarding how to treat his wife. Outside
the home he is kind, patient and smiling. But, as soon as he
returns home, the smiling face becomes angry and sad and the
kindness and gentleness turn into nervousness and adversity. He
starts shouting and screaming his orders at his wife.
He forgets that although he faces many challenges and pressures
outside the house, his wife can also be overwhelmed with the
housework and her responsibilities to the children.
He forgets that she also needs rest after a long day of
working. Although his duty is to work outside the house and to
provide for his family, a wifes role inside the house is not
any less important. On the contrary, her role is often more
important as she is the one charged with raising the children
and guarding the family.
We often see this scenario: A wife feels tired and asks her
husband to help her with the cleaning, washing or cooking. He
refuses, as though it is shameful for a man to help his wife.
Doesnt he know that Prophet Mohammad (pbuh), the most beloved
person to Allah (swt), helped his wives with the housework?
Doesnt he know that Omar Ibn al-Khattab provided recipes to a
group of women in order to teach them how to cook? Could Omar
teach others if he himself did not know how to cook?
No husband, regardless of how much work he has, can ever be
busier than our Prophet (pbuh) whose duty it was to spread
Islam. Likewise, no one is busier than Omar who had to bear the
responsibility of a Khalifah.
It shocks me to hear that some wives have never heard a loving
or appreciative word from their husbands. When asked about the
person he loved the most, the Prophet (pbuh) did not hesitate
to name his wife, Aishah. Thus, he declared very clearly, that
a husband should not be ashamed of loving his wife or even of
declaring that love in front of other people.
It is also painful to hear that some husbands do not speak to
their wives or spend time with their families, under the
pretenses of a busy schedule and dawa work. While it is noble
to be involved in dawa outside the home, it is also necessary
that the wife and children also be recipients of a husbands
efforts.
I wonder how married couples can live without ever talking or
spending time together or how they can feel happiness and
tranquility with this gap separating them. Who else can share
in happiness and sadness better than ones wife? Who else can
encourage one to confront the challenges of life with
perseverance and patience? Who can listen and keep ones secrets
better than a wife? Who can help renew iman and intentions
better than a wife?
The Prophet (pbuh) taught us that the best among men is the one
who best treats his wife. Shouldnt we follow the Prophets
example in every issue of our lives?
The Prophet (pbuh) spent time with his wives, talking to them,
laughing with them, and even playing with them. He listened to
his wife, Om Salamas (raa), advice in the Hudaybiya
conciliation, when she advised him to start shaving and
butchering. It was her mature advice that solved the
predicament and protected the Muslim nation. So why have we
strayed from that example?
Raising children is not just the mothers job, as some
mistakenly think. It is intended as a mutual responsibility to
be shared by both parents. Everyone has his/her complimentary
role to undertake regarding family. There is no doubt that the
mother bears the bigger burden of responsibility, but the role
of the father is likewise important and has tremendous effects
on the stability of the family. Children need the presence and
input of a father. They need him to ask them about their
homework, help them memorize the Quran and understand religion.
They need to feel that he is there for them.
Dear husbands, your wife is your partner, your other half and
your life mate. She can be your hassanah in this world and the
blessing of your life, but only if you give her the chance to
be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry
the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to
provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and
patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is
always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring
happiness and success to the family.
No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there
will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the
relationship is strong and if each person has a clear vision of
his partners rights, then challenges can easily be overcome. I
do not mean to blame all husbands for the problems facing
couples today. I am addressing a specific type of husband
within the Muslim community: the misinformed one who does not
understand that a happier and stronger Muslim family can only
be built under a strong partnership between the couple.
Allah (swt) says in the Holy Quran, And among His signs is
this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that
ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and
mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those
who reflect. (30:21)
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