Praise be to
Allaah.
1 –
The mother’s rights over her child
The
mother has many major rights over her child. These rights are
innumerable, but we may mention the following:
(a) Love and respect, as much as possible,
because she is the most deserving of people of her son’s good
companionship.
Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “A man came
to the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, ‘O
Messenger of Allaah, who among the people is most deserving
of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ The man
asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, then
who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He said,
‘Your father.’”
She
is the one who made her womb a vessel for you and nourished
you from her breast. You have no option but to love her. The
fitrah (natural inclination of man) calls you to love her.
Love between mothers and children and children and mothers is
something that Allaah has instilled even in animals, so it is
even more befitting for the children of human beings, and for
Muslims in particular.
(b) Taking care of her and looking after her
affairs if she needs that; this is a debt that rests on the
child’s shoulders. Did she not take care of him when he was a
child and stay up with him at night and bear it all with
patience?
Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And We have
enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His
mother bears him with hardship. And she brings him forth with
hardship…” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]
This
even take precedence over jihaad if there is a conflict
between the two.
‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with
them both) said: “A man came to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him for
permission to participate in jihaad. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Are
your parents alive?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Then your
jihaad is with them.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2842;
Muslim, 2549)
(c)
Not offending them or saying or doing anything that
they dislike.
Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
“say not to them a word of disrespect” [al-Israa’ 17:23]
If
Allaah has forbidden us even to say “uff” [paraphrased
as “a word of disrespect” in the translation of the meaning
of the aayah] to our parents, then how about someone who hits
them?!
(d)
Spending on her if she is in need and
does not have a husband who can spend on her or if her
husband is poor; for the righteous, spending on one’s mother
and feeding her is more precious than feeding their own
children.
Ibn
‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with them both) narrated that
the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Three men
went out walking and rain began to fall on them. They entered
a cave in a mountain, then a rock fell (blocking the entrance
to the cave). They said to one another, Pray to Allaah by
virtue of the best deeds that you have done. One of them
said, O Allaah, my parents were elderly and I used to go out
and tend to my flocks, then I would milk them and bring the
milk to my parents for them to drink from it, then I would
give some to my children. One night I came home late and
found them sleeping. I did not want to wake them, and the
children were crying at my feet. I kept waiting and the
children kept crying until dawn broke. O Allaah, if You knew
that I did that for Your sake, then open a way for us through
which we can see the sky. So a way was opened for them…”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2102; Muslim, 2743).
(e)
Obeying her when she tells you to do something good.
But if she tells you to do something bad, such as shirk,
then there should be no obedience to any created being if it
involves disobedience to the Creator.
Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in
worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge,
then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly”
[Luqmaan 31:15]
(f)
After one’s mother dies, it is Sunnah to fulfil any
vows that she had made, and to give charity and perform Hajj
and ‘Umrah on her behalf.
It
was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with
them both) that a woman from Juhaynah came to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “My
mother vowed to go for Hajj, but she died before she did so.
Can I perform Hajj on her behalf?” He said, “Yes, perform
Hajj on her behalf. Do you not think that if your mother owed
a debt that you would pay it off for her? Fulfil her debt to
Allaah, for Allaah is more deserving that what is owed to Him
should be paid.” (narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1754).
(g)
After she dies, it is also Sunnah to honour her by
maintaining ties with those whom she used to keep in touch
with, such as her relatives and friends.
It
was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best
of righteous deeds is for a man to keep in touch with his
father’s friends after he dies.”
(Narrated by Muslim, 2552).
2 –
Your rights over your mother
(a)
That she should take care of you when you are a child,
breastfeeding and nurturing you. This is a well known aspect
of human nature that has been handed down from the beginning
of creation.
Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
“The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole
years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete
the term of suckling” [al-Baqarah 2:233]
(b) She should bring you up in a righteous
manner, for she will be responsible for that before Allaah on
the Day of Resurrection. You are part of her “flock” and she
is your “shepherd”.
It
was reported that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar said: “I heard the
Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: ‘Each of you
is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.
The imaam is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A
man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his
flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and is
responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his
master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock.’ I think
that he said, ‘A man is the shepherd of his father’s wealth
and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a shepherd
and each of you is responsible for his flock.’” (Narrated by
al-Bukhaari, 853; Muslim, 1829)
3 –
Permissible things that it is permissible for you to do
without your mother interfering in your affairs
She
does not have the right to make decisions about what you
should like with regard to permissible things over which she
has no authority, such as food, drink, clothing, means of
transportation, etc.
Neither does she have the right to interfere in your choice
of a wife – if she is righteous – so long as you are not
disobeying Allaah with regard to that. At the same time it is
prescribed (by Islam) that you should try to please her even
in your choice of a wife, if she advises you in a way that
will not harm you.
With
regard to her interfering with such matters as when you go
out of the house or come in, or your going out in the evening
with your friends: both parents have to watch their children
with regard to this, so as to keep control of things and not
let their children be led astray by bad company. In most
cases, when young people are corrupted it is because of bad
company. Concerning this matter, the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A man will
follow the way of his close friend, so let each of you look
to who his close friends are.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi,
2387; Abu Dawood, 4833. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by
al-Tirmidhi and as saheeh by al-Nawawi, as stated in
Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi, 7/42).
Parents also have to watch when their child goes out and
when he comes in, because they should not give him free rein,
especially if he is not righteous.
You
have to acknowledge their status and respect them and offer
them good companionship, even if they give you a hard time
with regard to things that Allaah has made permissible for
you. Allaah has commanded us to treat our parents well even
if they are kuffaar who call you to shirk, so how
about if they are calling us to something which they
sincerely believe to be good? Even if sometimes it causes you
some difficulty with regard to something that is permissible
for you, the best thing to do is to obey them and do what
they want. Even though you do not have to do this, it is a
kind of sacrifice and giving them preference, because they
are the most deserving of being given good treatment. In the
Qur’aan, Allaah has mentioned obedience to parents
immediately after worship of Him, in order to demonstrate the
high status afforded obedience to parents.
4 –
Your father has the final say concerning everything that
comes under his responsibility. For example, he is the one
who decides in which school a child who is dependent on him
will study. The father also has the final say concerning
anything to do with his property, such as your using his car,
taking his money, etc.
With
regard to a son who is grown up and independent, he makes his
own decisions concerning things that Allaah has permitted. It
is prescribed for him to please his father so long as that
does not conflict with his obedience towards Allaah. The son
must continue to respect his father no matter how old he
gets, because this has to do with honouring one’s parents and
treating them kindly. It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: “I
never climbed onto the roof of a house in which my father
was.”
If a
father tells a child to do something good, or to stop doing
something that is permissible, he should obey him so long as
that will not cause the son any harm.
5 –
With regard to how you can tell your mother that you want
more freedom, this can be achieved by words and by deeds.
(a)
Deeds
After proving to your mother in practical terms that you are
no longer the child whom she used to know and that you have
become a man who is able to bear responsibility and you
behave like a man in front of her, if she sees that
repeatedly, she will trust you. Then things will start to get
better and you will have a higher status in your mother’s
eyes.
(b)
Words
By
clearly proving, quietly discussing and speaking softly,
giving examples of your sound attitude. May Allaah open your
mother’s heart so that she will deal with you as a wise,
mature, sensible, adult man, so long as you are like that.
We
ask Allaah to guide us, you and your parents to the straight
path. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.