Marriage: To
Wait or not to Wait, That is the Question
By Baiyinah Siddeeq
Reprinted from AbuZubair
"I don't care if I am 55 when I finish
school, I will not get married until I finish my education."
The above is a quote from a young Muslim
woman pursuing what she calls her "education." Unfortunately,
her strong dedication to finishing the Western undergraduate
and graduate
university "education" system reflects the ever-growing trend
among young Muslims in this society: to wait until they posses
a "degree" before entertaining the prospect of marriage. What
is even more grim is the fact that these young Muslims' parents
reflect the same diseased ideology.
Somehow, the Western system of
"education" has replaced Islam as the central priority in
Muslims' lives. This blind dedication to obtaining a degree is
so ingrained in the Muslim family that if a daughter herself is
interested in marriage, the parents will forbid the matrimony
solely on the grounds that she must finish school.
Thus, marriage
has virtually become a bad word in several Muslim circles if
that word "marriage" is at all connected with the marriage of a
"daughter" who has not finished "school," i.e. "college." Of
course, if she has not finished high school, marriage is beyond
undesirable; it is unthinkable. Such counterproductive thought
processes are contributing to the breakdown of the Muslim ummah,
and they are preventing the true establishment of Islam in our
society and lives.
Every society has a foundation, and that
foundation is the family. If we Muslims value obtaining Western
college degrees more than we value establishing the foundation
for an Islamic society, what does this say for the future of
our ummah? Furthermore, what does it say about our claim that
we are indeed Muslims? It goes without saying that there is
benefit to holding a college degree, but when weighed against
the benefit of marriage, which is half of our religion,
marriage heavily outweighs it. Thus, when we see that in the
hearts and minds of Muslims the benefits or "urgency" of a
college degree outweighs marriage, there is something seriously
wrong in our ummah not to mention our thinking.
Although, on the surface, the issue of
education versus marriage seems complex, the explanation for
this phenomenon is actually quite simple: our basic values lie
not in the akhira (Hereafter) but in the dunya (wordly life).
Whenever we are presented with an order from Allah or His
Messenger (i.e. marriage), we fulfill that order only in so
much as it does not prevent us from attaining the glitter of
the dunya. For many of us, if the order inconveniences our
dunya too much, we ignore the order all together -- hence, the
quote above. For most of us, if something must give -- dunya or
akhira -- the choice is simple: akhira goes first. Hence, we
have the prioritizing of school versus marriage.
Another phenomenon prevalent in our ummah
that is weakening the foundation of our Islamic society (the
family) and serves as a ground to delay marriage is Muslims'
ever growing fascination with a chronological number attached
to each person because that person
happened to be born on a particular day in a particular year,
commonly termed "age." Somehow, we have internalized the
Western definition of "childhood" and "adulthood" so much so
that we frequently refer to our young adult children of
marriageable age as "children" or "too young" to marry. Both
the labeling of adults as "children" and the excuse that adults
are "too young" to marry are phenomena that are not only new to
Islam but are inventions of the
modern age in general. [Editor's note: dare we forget the ages
of many of the sahaabah? How Usama bin Zaid led an army in his
teens, and how we had "teenage" mujaahideen?]. And just as we
follow the people of the world into the "lizard hole" of
"education," we follow our modern teachers (who have replaced
the Prophet (saw) as our example) into the "lizard hole" of
obsession with age. And just as holding a college degree has
become the single most important accomplishment of the young
Muslim and her family, so has age become the most significant
determinant of whether or not a person is "ready" to marry.
The question is, what do we do about it?
First, we must reclaim our Islamic identity and reevaluate our
purpose on this earth. When we do this honestly, we will
discover that our purpose here is very straightforward: to
establish Islam in our lives and then in the
world at large. Everything else, such as attending a local
university and obtaining a college degree, falls under the
category of "accessories," i.e. "not necessary." Thus, when a
Muslim is faced with the prospect of marriage, which falls
under the category of "establishing Islam," there should be no
hesitation, and any desired "accessory" should be pursued only
in so far as Islam is pursued. As a result, there is the
possible scenario of, yes, a "young married college student,"
or dare I say, "young married high school student."
The benefits of marrying are enormous,
and those benefits increase when marriage occurs sooner rather
than later. Guarding the chastity of our youth and encouraging
the birth of several children for the growth of this ummah [not
to mention the fact the marriage creates an ideal scenario for
man and woman to increase their chances of entering Paradise
and fulfill half of their religion] are serious benefits that
Muslim parents and youth need to reconsider. Let us reclaim
Islam for ourselves and share it with the world, and let us
start in the home by encouraging young men and young women to
marry.
Let us redefine
"education" and "adulthood" based upon Qur'an and Sunnah. And
may Allah bless us to please Him while we are on this earth
through establishing Islam in every aspect of our lives without
hesitation, and may we attain Paradise, our goal. Ameen