I guess you could say I grew up Christian, although I never actually "felt" Christian I knew that was what I was. I remember being baptized and I will never forget the whole Sunday service routine with my mother. Even though it was fun to sing along to the hymns in church and everyone around me looked so well dressed and happy, I did not take my religion seriously at all. I believed in heaven and hell and everywhere I went I would hear the ever popular "Jesus Saves!", but honestly my faith was only a once a week deal. I wanted more, I wanted to live for more. I wanted to not feel less than the other people who would be sitting around me in church. I wanted to feel and know that I was equal, no matter where I went to school or how much my mother makes. I wanted answers, a logical explanation for why things are the way they are. During my first year of college I felt myself become lower and lower of a person, of a woman. There was so much hurt and confusion in my heart and I wanted it to be replaced with peace and contentment. I did not know much about any religion, not even my own at the time.

When people ask me why I embraced Islam, I have to pause for a minute, I really do not think their are words that can express the feeling of anxiousness for my life to improve. I found everything I ever wanted or needed in Islam. In the past I had no way of life, I submitted to only bad things. Islam became my "new" , "better" way of life, my new submission now is to the Most Merciful and Most Compassionate. Allah (SWT).

It took me awhile for me to say my shahadah. I kept waiting for some sign or symbol to come down to tell me I was finally ready to begin the first day of the rest of a whole different life. I soon realized that it was silly of me to hold such expectations, that the special sign is within me. Although it was 7 months ago, I still clearly remember how unbelievably nervous I was! I felt as if every single word I uttered was bringing me closer and closer to something I never had before. Taking my shahada felt like I was slowly walking, taking baby steps, inching forward and not knowing where I was going to end up when I stopped walking. Now as I am recalling my trepidation, I cannot help but smile because right now, 7 months later I cannot imagine not being a Muslim woman. I feel as if I have always been this way.

During the 7 months since my conversion alot has happened to me. One of the first things I did was to replace my American first name with my middle name "Zakiyaa". Alhumdulillah, I met so many nice sisters who immediately welcomed me into their community. There was so much to do, so much to learn! At times I felt really embarresed, but that to me is part of the whole process of changing one's life. My first Ramadan was so unbelievable! Ma'sha Allah I finally feel part of something meaningful, my life has direction now. When I was Christian I remembered dreading church so much. I did not understand how a person can go through first communion and confirmation and still party. Now I look forward to Jumaa and cannot wait to hear what the person who is leading the hutba has to say this week. SubhanAllah it feels as if I can actually see my life turn around.

One of the biggest things that happened to me when I converted was my mother's reaction. In the begining she got so angry when I told her that she threatened to kick me out if I continued to be Muslim. So for the first 5-6 months I hid everything. I could not wear hijab, I had to hide all my Islamic books at my friend's house. I had to pray in secret when I knew my mother was occupied so she would not see me. Everything was a lie, it was the only thing I could do then. I tried the best I could to practice Islam in secret. Everything was going ok until about a month ago when my mother found some Islamic things in my room. She stuck to her word and immediately told me to leave if this was the lifestyle I chose to take. I was on my own for a couple of days, until my mother found me and told me I can come home and practice and wear hijab and do whatever I chose to do! SubhanAllah...It still is very shocking to me when I think about it.

I guess this is my advice to those who are in similar situations as I was or to one whose life seems impossible to straighten. Only Allah(SWT)can change someone's life COMPLETELY. I emphasize that word because it is true , I have lived it. Only Allah(SWT) can take the most stubborn woman who cursed me for being this way, and change her heart to the point where she actually buys me beautiful new hijabs to wear. Alhumdulillah my worn out heart finaly knows what peace feels like.

Wassalam