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Tips for a Better
Husband and Wife Relationship
Although many Muslims may
right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to
divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to
put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and
wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following
principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already
in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in
their marriage.
Examples of Negative
Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each
other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels
that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels
that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband.
Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied
with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him
into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure
if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and
families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their
wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their
wives have no voice or opinion in the family.
Marriage In The Eyes of
Allah
It is very sad that this relationship
which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a
source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny,
humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is
supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in the Holy
Quran: '.
. . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may
dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali
Translation).
Do not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has
made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not
supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat
our wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to
have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is
one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are
those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih,
No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).
Be Partners in the
Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make
decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the
family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that
they had some part in making them.
Never be Emotionally
Never be emotionally, mentally, or
physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never
mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could
they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with
them in the night?"
Be Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you are
upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say
when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm
down before continuing the conversation.
Show Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be
kind, gentle, and loving.
Be Your Spouse's Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too
often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each
other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could
work together for the same cause or on the same project. They
could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take
care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend
class.
Show Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse
does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is
not doing good enough for the family or that you are not
satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he
is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family.
The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On the Day of
Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been
ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show
your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the
house and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard
work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.
Work Together in the
House
The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have
helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was
not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't
feel that they are.
Communication is Important
Communication, Communication,
Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it
should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is
better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let
them pile up until an explosion occurs.
Forget Past Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they
have been solved.
Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be
living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is
from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of
contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not
those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings
in your life.
Give Your Spouse Time
Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be with you
all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you.
People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they
want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax.
Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When
your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If
possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.
Physical Relationship is
Important
Be available to your mate sexually, and
don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by
selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It
is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast
but you must send a message of love beforehand."
Have Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when
possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the
husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The
Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put before
him.
Be Mindful of Your
discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about
your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss,
unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and
wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's
physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information
about your intimate relations should be kept between you and
your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat
others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient.
With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of
course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times ---
when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad
day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on
edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the
children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss
this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered
with each other during these times, they will understand the
reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no
longer loves them.
Good marriages require
patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice,
empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work.
Following these principles should help any marriage to improve.
The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence:
Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater
chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just
around the corner
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