Children deserve to be shown
appreciation and praise for the task they are
asked to do. If they are to lead a secure,
well-adjusted and happy life, so much depends
on how we as parents treat them. At the age of
two, a child starts to form their attitude
towards the world around them. Some
developmental psychologists think that the
sense of self-confidence is one of the first of
these attitudes and the strength of these
feelings at age two depends on the kind of care
that the child receives and on the parents’
attitude in meeting their basic needs. At this
stage the child shows signs of development by
showing a desire for independence, as they need
the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of
that is connected to the need to
assert themselves which can only be achieved by
allowing them a measure of independence. This
is confirmed by the theory of development
through maturity which says that we should
respect the child’s individuality and leave him
or her to develop naturally. Some boys and
girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that
they cannot rely upon themselves in any matter,
major or minor. They rarely take any initiative
and are always waiting for someone to say, “Do
such and such.” If faced with a problem, such
a child will be unable to take any decision and
may try to avoid confronting the problem, or
start crying. This is partly the parents’
fault, and it may be for a number of reasons,
such as:
-
Too much control ( "do this, don’t do that
...." ) in major and minor matters alike, even
if the matter
does not warrant it, so that the
child loses their spontaneity and this
makes them lose confidence in
their actions, and instead they
always wait for someone to correct and
reassure them that they are
doing the right thing.
- Blaming
and criticizing them for everything they do,
seeking out their faults and rebuking them if
they
make
a mistake, so that he or she is blamed and
rebuked more than they deserve at the time
when they are expecting praise for
her efforts. This destroys the child’s
motivation to act or to
compete in doing anything and doing
it well.
-
Not giving the child the opportunity to speak
in front of others for fear that they may make
a mistake
or
speak of things that are not desirable, or else
allowing them to speak but telling them
what they
should or should not say.
- Giving them
too many warnings about danger, which will
make them always expect the worst and
imagine that they are surrounded by
danger on all sides.
- Putting
him or her down or comparing them to others,
which makes the child think that they has no
worth.
- Making
fun of the child and mocking them.
- Not
paying attention to their questions.
- Paying
too much attention in a manner that shows
excessive worry about their health or their
future.
Lack of self-confidence has many
negative effects on the child, such as:
1- They will not be able to
do anything independently, and if they
are asked to bring something and find that it
differs from the description given, the
child will be hesitant; if they are faced with
a problem they will be unable
to take a decision.
2- They may become dull-witted and
uncreative.
3- They will start to complain and
feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of him
or her, because they think
that they will
be blamed for whatever they do and that they
will not be able to do it in the manner
required.
4- They will become weak-willed and
will have no resolve, and feel meek and
apathetic in situations where such
attitudes are not appropriate, and will become
neglectful and disorganized.
5- They will suffer anxiety and
frustration, and will develop a hostile
attitude or a tendency to become introverted
and withdrawn.
In order to avoid these
negative effects on the child, parents should
use a number of ways to develop
the child’s self-confidence. Some
examples follow, but this is not a complete
list:
-
They should draw up some general guidelines to
follow by telling them what Allaah has made
permissible, which they may do, and what He has
forbidden, which they must avoid. Parents
should make them aware of noble attributes and
good manners, and instill in them a dislike for
bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to
steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that
they should give their child the freedom to act
on their own initiative.
-
The mother should assign her child some tasks
that they are able to do. If they make a
mistake the mother should praise them for their
initiative and encourage her child, then
tell them what they should have done.
Sometimes the mother should just praise them
for their efforts, then complete the work in a
gentle manner, without telling them directly.
If the task is not something that the child is
able to do, then the mother may do it and
consult the child and ask for their opinion,
and let the child state what they think is good
and is not, so that the child will realize that
everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but
also gets things right sometimes. This will
strengthen their resolve.
-
The parents should try to praise the child in
front of her relatives and friends, and
give them rewards commensurate with their
efforts. They should praise them for the acts
of worship that they do, such as praying
regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing well in
their studies, having a good attitude, and so
on.
-
They could give them a nickname that will
distinguish them from others, but they should
not allow anyone to call the child by a bad
nickname. If the child makes them angry they
should call them by their real name, so
that they will realize that they have fallen
short in their duty to one or both of them, or
that they have wronged somebody, so that the
child will realize their error.
-
Strengthening the child's will-power,
by getting them used to two things, namely:
(a)
Keeping secrets: when they know how to keep
secrets and not divulge them, then their
will-power will develop and grow stronger, and
thus enabling their self-confidence to
increase.
(b) Encouraging them used to fasting,
for when the child stands firm in the face of
hunger and thirst when fasting, they will feel
the joy of achieving victory over their nafs
(selves), which will strengthen their
will-power when facing life, which in turn will
increase the child's self-confidence.
- Strengthening their
confidence in dealing with other people. This
may be done by getting them to do housework,
obeying the parents’ commands, and letting them
sit with the adults and get together with other
youngsters.
- Strengthening their
confidence in gaining knowledge, by teaching
them the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the
Messenger of Allaah Sall Allaahu alaihi wa
sallam (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him), and his Seerah (biography), so that the
child will grow up having acquired abundant
knowledge in childhood, so that he or she will
have a sense of confidence in the knowledge
that they have, because they will have gained
the basic principles of true knowledge, far
removed from myths and legends.
On the other hand, the parents must also
take some precautions and take effective
measures to save the child from feeling
inadequate. Some of the things that cause a
child to feel inadequate are: belittling them,
humiliating them and mocking them, such as
calling the child by offensive names and words
in front of their siblings and relatives, or
even in front of their friends or in front of
strangers whom they have never met before.
These are matters which may make the
child regard themselves as insignificant and
worthless, or may generate psychological
complexes that will make them look at others
with hatred and dislike, and make them withdraw
into themselves in order to escape from life.
Even if the offensive words that slip from
the parents’ tongues are only for the purpose
of disciplining the child for some mistake,
great or small, it is not right to use this
method to correct them, as this will have a bad
effect on the child’s psyche and personal
conduct, and it will make them accustomed to
the language of condemnation and insult that
will destroy them psychologically and morally.
The best way of dealing with
this problem is to explain to the child, in a
gentle manner, where they have gone wrong and
to give them proof that will convince them to
avoid the mistake in future; the parents should
not scold their child, and certainly not in
front of others. The parents should use good
methods in correcting their child from the
outset, following the example of the Messenger Sall
Allaahu alaihi wa sallam (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed
and trained people and corrected their
mistakes. For a child is very sensitive and
readily influenced, irrational and helpless.
Building the child’s self-confidence is the
first step in building their personality
through all stages of life.
{Excerpt (edited in plural form
for this posting) from Tanshi’at al-Fataat al-Muslimah
by Hanaan ‘Atiyah al-Toori al-Juhani, p. 163 by
courtesy of (www.islam-qa.com)
Reference Question: #20872}.
May
Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala bless us with
guidance and wisdom to encourage and
increase those (thoughts and actions of our
children) which are good and correct those who
are incorrect because our children of today are
the men and women of tomorrow. It is for this
reason that parents must be encouraged to give
our children due consideration and directing
them to which is good and correct by being
model examples ourselves. They are
the foundation of the Ummah of which it's
future will be built and if their reformation
is grounded upon the strong pillars of the Deen
(Religion) and character, there will be a
brilliant future for this Ummah, inshaa'Allahu
Ta'ala.
The Prophet Sall Allahu alaihi
wa sallam said:
"Mothers, fathers, teachers, and the society as
a whole, will all be accountable in front of
Allaah about the tarbiyyah (education and
upbringing) of this generation. If its tarbiyah
is good, then there will be happiness - both in
this world and the Hereafter. If it is not,
then there will be misery, and it will be a
rope around your necks - since there occurs in
the hadeeth: “Each of you is a shepherd, and
each of you will be questioned about those who
you are responsible for.”
Related by al-Bukhaaree (13/111) and Muslim
(no. 1829)
"All of
you are shepherds, and each one is responsible
for his flock. A leader of people is a shepherd
over this family, and he is responsible for his
flock. A woman is like a shepherd over her
husband's house and children, and she is
responsible for them. And a slave is a guardian
of his master's property and is responsible for
it. So all of you are guardians and are
responsible for your charges."
(al- Bukhaaree and Muslim).
Attached
is a story entitled: "To My Child". It's poignant
to tears and a timely reminder how much our
children mean to us.
May Allah
Subhanahu wa Ta'ala guide and grant us wisdom and
patience in carrying out our parental
responsibilities.