I demand a salary
commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect
6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for
Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last
job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two
(2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with
relatively high grades.
It's best for employers
that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh
and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head
Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and
rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom
until she decided to move.
Marital status: single.
Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track
record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer
at all costs.
Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely
paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be
meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I
should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially
when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests:
Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining
entire operation for a Midwest chain
store.
Note: Please don't
misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have
never quit a job.
Marital status: Often.
Children: various.
Reason for leaving last
job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 every
morning. Could not work under those
conditions.
The company made me a
scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
Finished eighth in my class
of ten.
References: None. I've left
a path of destruction behind me.
"I perform my job with
effortless
efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy,
and
expertise."
"Insufficient writing skills,
thought
processes have slowed down
some. If I
am not one of the best, I
will look
for another
opportunity."
"Seek challenges that test my
mind and
body, since the two are
usually
inseparable."
"My compensation should be at
least
equal to my
age."
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I can play well with
others."
"Married, eight children.
Prefer frequent travel."
"Objection: To utilize my
skills in sales."
"My salary requirement is $34
per year."
"Served as assistant sore
manager."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned
belongings and
led nomadic lifestyle."
"Previous experience:
Self-employed - a fiasco."
"I vow to fulfill the goals of
the company as
long as I live."
"Reason for leaving last job:
Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."