If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money... from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE!

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place........

was the trailer.

Flying With A Blonde

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about

two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we

just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take

us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost

another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another

half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here

all day"

Young Punk & An Old Man

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant

seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair.

His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's

without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and

his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the

bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you

looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very

young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a

parrot... I thought you might be my son."

How Dumb Are People? This Dumb!

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel

after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the

face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off

each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed

its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the

job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory

industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor

injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,

and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a

chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,

setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the

time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus

and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book

about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be

copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a

worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later

accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out

for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police

officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the

courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal

colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the

copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand

over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the

police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was

arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a

steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard

and brought the vehicle to a stop.