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A Wife
A lecture by Sheikh Abdullah Adhami On Husbands (and Wives)
By getting married
you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now
until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion,
and your best friend. She will share your moments, your days, and your
years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures,
your dreams and your fears.
When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help,
she will do all she can for you;
When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will
give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in
the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day,
she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical
body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind,
and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see
will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams.
In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.
The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says:
"they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah
2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they
provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the
support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a
journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us
with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the
journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan
journey.
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human
relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy
and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses
is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing
of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala,
"And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature .." (Surah
Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite
Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these
amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah
Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the
universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the
signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an,
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love
and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who
reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)
But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static
entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do
change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might
weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for
granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For
the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to
be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.
Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found
the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She out ran
him but later after she had gained some weight, he out ran her.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to
watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show
of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and
disintegrating.
Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any
emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam
said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure
of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"
Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting
food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc. Remember
that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to
his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.
Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the
best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong.
Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having
more peace at home.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings
for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet
Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to
wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.
Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to
her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time
with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam
said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives"
Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses
until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great,
but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love
what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your
loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's
parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like
your parents" Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and
said " I don't like yours either"... Also, it is not enough that you love
her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there
is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be
joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings. The best
example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose
love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years extended to include all those she
loved and continued even after her death. It was many years after her death
and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he
would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he
felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would
pray saying "O Allah let it be Hala."
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