Rights of Mother and Wife

I am facing three important issues. Please guide me:

1. I earn Rs. 25000/- per month. Have two daughters. My father has died, and my aged mother lives separate alongwith my two younger sisters and a brother. My two elder brothers do not help mother at all, whereas I send her Rs. 6000/- every month, because she has no other means of income. My wife continues opposing me, alleging that I care not and save little for our daughters. Though I face no difficulty in household expenditure, she insists that I should better stop, or at best send only Rs. 3000/-. It is not possible for me to leave mother helpless. What should I do to avoid this conflict?
2. I also visit my mother every month and incur expenditure on that. My wife does not approve of that either. She says that it was enough to go once in four/five months. She feels that supporting mother financially and visiting her every month was too much. On my part, it was not possible not to meet my mother.
3. I am member (rukn) of Jamaat-e-Islami. After the office hours, I spare some time for the Movement as well. On holidays, I also join programs, which are usually lengthy. My wife would quarrel that while I give more time to office and "Tehreek", I attend little my home and daughters. She was infact, leading member of an anti-Jamiat organization when she was student. She would not touch the Jamaat’s literature. Would rather stop me from going to mosque and persuade our daughters to do the same. If I try to be harsh she would blame that the "Jamaatis" do not behave properly with their wives. For me the Islamic Movement is a lifelong mission. Once, I felt forced to announce that if choice is to be made between the Jamaat and wife, I will prefer Jamaat. Shortly, it is a situation of continuous tension and clash.

Answer:

Your letter is a good reflection of our societal setting and indicates some hard ground realities. When your wife insists that you give time to her and the children, particularly sparing the whole Sunday for them, and even offer your prayers at home, gives an indication (praise be to Allah), that she loves you too much. That is why she wants you to be with her all the time. Also, she seems to be in deep love with the daughters as well. She is worried for their education and other future needs, and therefore, wishes that you save for them what you can, that they may not face any hardship in future. Both these aspects are praiseworthy. Yet, she appears to be overlooking an aspect related to her, to you and to your children, and which the holy Qur’an terms al-Yaum, that is to come inevitably. It is also called the Great Day, Yaum al-Furqan, Yaum al-Aakhir, and Yaum al-Deen.

We are so much involved and lost in our daily life’s needs and aspirations that we tend to forget the morrow that is sure to come. Children’s education, arranging wherewithal for them and to see they start a happy conjugal life when time comes; these are the immediate needs and priorities current on our mind. We just forget that each one of us will be held accountable one day for what we possessed, the time we spent, the health we enjoyed and whether we paid what was due. We are also not mindful of the fact that we have to leave soon this temporary and transitionary phase and enter an eternal life. If that real life is without peace and comfort for the family, there can be no happiness and satisfaction for the parents. Better therefore, to attend only to those needs and demands of the children and wife, that may not bring troubles for the family and its head in the Hereafter.

Let us now see in the light of the holy Qur’an, who enjoys right over what a person earns:

"They ask you what they should spend (in charity). Say: whatever you spend that is good, is for parents and kindred and orphans, and those in want, and for wayfarers; and whatever you do that is good, Allah knows it well". (2:15)

The parent’s right in whatever one spends from his earnings, is established here for good. Then come kindred – wife, children and other relatives – the orphans, the needy and the wayfarer. Priority accorded to parents over all is evident. In chapter 17 (Bani Israel), it is stated: "you be kind to parents". The word Ehsan used in this verse does not fully reflect the meaning and purpose when translated into English or Urdu. The Qur’anic Ehsan is to accomplish a task in the most decent manner what we call perfection and excellence.

How one should be thankful to his parents, and more particularly to his mother, while he serves, loves and respects them and attempts to see that all they wish and need is provided, is reflected in the Qur’an. Chapter 31, verse 14 says:

"And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: In travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning. (So) show gratitude to Me and to your parents".

The same is repeated in chapters 15:46 and 29:8. In Bani Israel, the command is further elaborated:

"..... that you be kind to parents, whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. ....... and say: "My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy, as they cherished me in my childhood. (verses 23:24)

What these Qur’anic injunctions clearly reveal is that spending on one’s parents, and to be kind, loving and respectful to them, to obey them, to keep them happy and to pray for them, is but their established right. One must be knowing that to honour right does not mean doing favour. Rather failing to pay what was due, makes one answerable.

A Tradition (hadith) conveys that a companion came to the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) and complained, that his financial position was not sound, and that his son was well-off, but would not spend on him. The Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) sent for the son and when he come, told him: "You and what you possess belong to your father". A well known hadith reported by Abu Huraira (R.A.) informs that when someone asked the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam), he repeated thrice the words: "More than anyone else your mother deserves your kind treatment". Imam Muslim notes in his Sahih the hadith in which the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) is reported to have repeatedly said: "Let the person suffer disgrace". When asked who was that person, the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) clarified: "It is he who found his parents in their old age – one or both of them –, but did not serve them to deserve the reward of Paradise".

Seeing how clear are these statements of the holy Qur’an and the Ahadith, only the person who cares not to get disgraced in the Hereafter, will be failing to help his father or mother.

Briefly then, what you spend on your mother, two younger sisters and your brother, is their right and an obligation for you. If ever you stopped you will be held accountable, as well as the person who compels you to do so. After meeting the due needs of your wife and daughters, whatever you give to your mother, sisters and brother is your real "saving", that will bring rich rewards to you, your wife and your children – Insha Allah.

It is not essential that you always make financial decisions with the approval of your wife. You also need not to tell a lie for meeting your obligations. Your wife has to realize that your mother has the right over your income too.

Your going to see your mother every month is in accordance with Islamic teachings. No matter whether it takes you 6 or 7 hours, she deserves it. It has no relation with monthly payments. The Qur’an notes it as "kindness to your (esp. uterine) relations". Failing that means "sundering what is ordered to be joined". I am sure, your wife will never for a minute accept that when your children come to age, that they only bother to send an annual card to inform you (the parents) that they "love you very much". She will certainly be wishing them to come more than often to please and console her, and to enquire of her health.

As far as your "Tahriki" assignments are concerned, schedule your Sunday timings in such a manner that alongwith Dawah, you spare time for your family as well. The home front is equally important. Thauban (R.A.) reports from the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) in Tirmidhi: "The best treasure for you is the tongue that remembers Allah, a heart that is filled with praise for Him, and a wife who is supportive in the way of Allah". If you could try tenderly and with affection, and mould your wife in accord with this Hadith, then you have done the job of Tahrik.

To make your home loving and caring is your joint responsibility. In a Hadith, the head of the family is made responsible for the household. The same Hadith further says that the wife is responsible, custodian, or accountable (mas’ul) for her husband’s possessions and children. Mutual human relations is a sensitive matter. Instead of legalities, more at work and effective in this domain is wisdom, love and affection. If your wife is averse to Tahriki literature, then she alone is not to be blamed for that. Your own approach may possibly be questionable. If instead of directing your wife, you start seeking her advice asking every now and then what, in her opinion, you should do, or enquiring, her what in a certain matter, the Qur’an and Sunnah ordain, will hopefully persuade her to study these holy sources in order to make a befitting reply. Insha Allah that direct reference to and study of the word of Allah and the Sunnah of His Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) will prove auspicious and bring good fortune of positive change in her thinking. When you say that given choice, you will opt for the Movement is commendable, yet not a wiser way to utter. If after such an announcement, your wife takes Tahrik as her rival and "co-wife", it will be but natural. Do try please never to consider your words irrevocable, nor she be stubborn. Rather, you both sincerely seek guidance from the Qur’an and Hadith. You will thus be able to avoid the clash of egos and cultivate harmony of thinking.

Ahadith provide clear directives concerning the supremacy and high reward for offering prayers in congregation. Approach your wife with love, to read out to you these sayings of the Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) and then let her to tell you how these commands could best be followed. See to it that your daughters also listen and understand these Ahadith, so that rather than blocking your way, they feel happy seeing you going to the mosque. The Qur’an and Sunnah demand that you be soft and loving with your wife and children, and not to take hard line. The holy Prophet (Sall Allah-o-alaihe wa sallam) was the best among those who are good, loving and caring for their families. You also follow that example, so that your family comes closer to Tahrik.