COLD!!
BETRAYAL!!!!
Senior moment: It could happen to us one
day.
As a senior citizen was driving down a
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wifes
voice urgently warening him."Herman, i just heard on the news
that there is a car going the wrond way on 280. Please be
careful!!!"
"Hell, its not just one car, its hundred
of them!!!"
Tony
Tony was in the
hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand
with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's
condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically
for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen
and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to
scribble a note, then
he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note
at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral,
as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when
Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm
sure it's a wonderful message."
He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"
Sacrifice!
Jim and Mary were both
patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged
because since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad
news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I
am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I
put him there to dry."
Great Night!
Jack decided to go skiing with
his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed
north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible
weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said,
"we'll be happy to sleep In the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack
got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen
to get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house to
pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about
being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you
happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's
face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me
everything."
Only in America
- Only in America......can a pizza get
to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to
get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
- Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- Only in America......do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
- Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
to in the first place.
- Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- Only in America......do we
use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli'
in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'
